السبت، 30 نوفمبر 2013

A chaotic chat - The art of failure

At first I prepared myself to become all those great stars I knew , then.
May be a famous fashion star, a Hollywood actress, a great singer , A story writer ,  a strong athletes , a brilliant scientist many many patterns of stars.

So to prepared myself for my great future roles ..
I played heavy sports , studied hard, learned two foreign languages by 18years and 3 by 21years old.
First path switch was a refuse of participation at alpha student contest from my professor side , miss 3afaf ; she told me I don’t consider you one of the smart students.
(Her criteria of choice that I knew later ,was to be one of her private students) so such a student with 95% score would definitely be out of her calculations since that would break her myth about her private courses importance.

Second fate twist was at "guide" its the scouting group at school.
To  light a fire , make a bed and survive alone in a crazy wild forest ;
That kind of independency revived my hunger to be, be myself whatever it is all by myself.
After a year I, was banned from the Scott , obvious speaking :  It was because of my aggressiveness and actually for speaking the truth about the camp, the money stealing the dangerous situation of such a poor travel bus stopping  many times at Hurghada desert,  and also , because I am black .
They are the society best class girls of best French school whom like to feel superior and I, the black super famous Scott , super famous student , I rip them target-pattern apart .

At age of 13 I started to love KungFu, I loved how I was fighting, how I became the team champion in just 2 months, how I had the courage to beat a guy who was laughing at me at the market, mocking at my color.
Few months later our coach  had a problem with the club manager and left, they stopped the whole team activity and I didn't find any alternate , then .

At the age of 15 years,  again, I decided to focus on the faculty dream.
I had a very good grade that year and I decided to study in the scientific department at high school , to be able to go to the medical school.
As usual I didn't obtain that dream too, I had a lot of problems that year and our family were threaten to lose the apartment with no possible alternate .
At first year in faculty of science I got: very good grade , second year good with 74.6% while very good starts from 75%, and I couldn't be in special physics department as it requires 75% at least, the hidden information then was the faculty's manager mood he simply didn't want to get the special department opened that year so they decreased on purpose all the grades to few points below 75% to close the special department that year legally ..
So I lost that time too , and I lost another chance to switch to faculty of pharmacy because I had chosen to study physical sciences since first year.
I completed my studies in computer and mathematics...
My 4 years grade is very good, and again the college didn't want to hire any new demonstrator in computer department so again I loose.
Few months after graduation, I became a java certified programmer of sun Microsystems in 2003.
By then , I went to an interview the manager hired me in the interview , then a beginner programmer came with an institute certificate so he immediately fired me quickly , the common sense always state that a male employee is so much better than a female one .

I Wanted to work as Windows XP and Ms-office instructor in N.H. center but the manager whom I met there is a graduate of faculty of science , and all her staff are non CS graduate, so she refused to hire me and hired another friend whom is graduate of chemistry department. She didn't need any competition.
After , I tried to work in youth house organization of Egypt , to just manage the internet cyber cafe, the manager made me sign a paper of guardianship of 12 computers probably with stolen components , told me he don’t have an internet connection
So I had to leave, resigning on the dismiss paper to protect myself from usual governmental corruption.
I tried to work in another cyber cafe, with no internet but had network games so it was more like games cafe, once someone came and told me he will rent an hour but wants to watch a movie and had the CD , I wasn't careful enough then but another colleague from the near office came by accident and saw the man watching porn and taking drugs
It was a terrible situation, and after two months late the salary was  150 EGP ..
So I lost again..

I worked lately at English girl school and after the first month I received a fire letter.
I said why? My girls got the best grades then, they fully understand mathematical concepts?
Later I knew it was the problem, that the department headmaster wanted to give my girls a private course but no girl needed that.
Lost again..

In press I worked in Falaka newspaper and the first article I wrote about the tendency to eternity in early human society , it was not easy enough to be in such a newspaper context and they published another fabricated article under my name about an actress named Xena.. So I had to leave.

I got a job in a foreign office owned by a south African man .He hired me immediately at the interview and two days later he shouted at me , and at the end of the week he phoned me at night asking me to come to his office next day at 8 pm to see him.. so I had to stop going to work and he didn't stop calling me unless I sent him a threaten message with my friend to make him stop following me ..

I finally got a work at a drug company of public sector As a computer specialist but the actual job is data entry, and as usual I am always punished for my superiority even in such a stupid job.
They just threw all the work on my shoulders , and me alone , even if our similar branches in Cairo , Mansoura and Asyut have 10 , 8 and 5 data entry employees but here in Alexandria they have only me to sink her with the whole work and let the other colleagues relax , talk and read the newspaper.

Lately I decided to have only some tiny dreams: to be a good blogger, a nice photographer and may be a good reader or a probable fitness amateur.
All my dreams now are general dreams , with no superiority at all.
Since this world is a world of chaos and nobody is  up there in the sky I have to
 stand still..
Since the evil is unknown and unlimited and the harm is always allowed, since there is no right or wrong , no justice at all.

I don't want to go anywhere.
that is my existentialist complain about a life I didn't want and didn't choose.
All I try to do now is to have a rest off fighting, and to be as normal as possible , no excellence .

Only to stop the superiority punishment a little bit , to catch again my breath.. And gain some peace, hopefully . 


I am a whole universe